Most holidays worth their while encompass entire seasons, such as Christmas, for example. However, as you may have noticed there is a corporate push every year for us to think about the next holiday even sooner. While this has many negative side effects I figure I may as well embrace it.

Since Labor Day is really only good for college football and movie marathons cinematically it is as significant as Arbor Day, which means the next big day on the calendar is Halloween and we can start looking toward it starting now.

Daily I will be viewing films in the horror genre between now and then and sharing the wealth. Many, as is usually the case, will not be worth it so for every disappointment so I will try and suggest something worth while as well.

Satan’s Little Helper

This is the kind of film that best illustrates the dangers of Netflix instant streaming (Not currently available on Netflix instant). You scroll over to it and click on it thinking “Oh, maybe this will be so bad it’s funny.” Then you start watching it and realize you’re in trouble. It’s just bad and it’s like a car wreck you may want to stop looking but you can’t and sadly I sat through this whole thing if only to warn others so that they may avoid the same fate.

Perhaps the first thing that needs to be stated is that it just may be that Douglas “Dougie” Whooly is the dumbest character in the history of cinema. In this film this supposedly nine-year-old kid walks about obliviously as the Devil himself kills people and he thinks it’s all pretend, a set-up. As if that isn’t bad enough when he finally does get wise to what’s really happening he still makes stupid mistakes, which leads us to our terrible and predictable ending which include two whole lines spoken over a black screen.

The dialogue is absolutely atrocious in this film from the incessant repetition of “That looks so real!” as Dougie is witness and accessory to another murder to the overly frank conversations about how Dougie still wants to marry his sister and the jokes about big sister’s “boomies.”

The score is completely unoriginal and the opening piece in this film sounds like the rendition of “Dies Irae,” which was in The Shining.

There is also bad animation in this film. I mean really bad. I mean like animation that makes Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist looks like MC Escher. As if that wasn’t bad enough we’re supposed to think this animation is a video game. A video game called “Satan’s Little Helper,” oh that’s the title, I get it!

However, this film is also educational. There is so much you can learn like how many times can you get your head slammed into a brick wall and not die and how many points is bowling over and elderly woman with a shopping cart worth.

Also, if your passion lies in prosthetic work you should watch this film to learn how not to make fake guts because this film has perhaps the worst example ever filmed.

As if it wasn’t made clear already that the concept is downright terrible but there is also a few logic flaws. The biggest of which being that everyone on this island both knows how many cops there are in the local PD and that they’re all dead.

About the only positive thing I can say in this film’s favor is that it is good for the occasional laugh, some of which are actually by design that and the mask the Devil wears. All that, however, does not excuse the terrible quality of this film.

I’ve seen some bad movies that looked pretty good. Films where the cinematography at least kept me interested. No risk of that happening here because it video and poorly shot video. The kind of video that shows you why it’s still film’s weak sister.

The cherry on top is that there’s a nice little touch of blasphemy too. I will spare you the details as all that precedes this should be enough to steer you clear. If curiosity gets the best of you, godspeed and get well soon.

1/10